Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?