I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.