[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
You learn something every day
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]