If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
You Might Also Like
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.