In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
A short story about romance.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?