There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.