BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.