3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
I was once killed by a shark escalator.