i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
The funk soul brother
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”