Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You Might Also Like
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
can’t talk my ride’s here
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
WWE is French for “yes”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Breaking news:
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”