Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I need this for my side hustle.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”