My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
You Might Also Like
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
we’re dead?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
There is no try. There is only give up.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.