I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.