Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
what does he know…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.