I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me