I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine