“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..