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me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
O Wise One….
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever