I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.