Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
turning my gender off to conserve energy
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who