If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Sheep
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.