I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings