[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
incredible
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…