Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.