My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??