My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.