Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Quadruple digit IQ
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?