[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
You Might Also Like
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
When you “pspspsp” too hard
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
m’lady
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
We’ve all been there…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?