Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.