Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.