Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
We’ve all been there…
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*