I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
(by @ZachWeiner )
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.