Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad