Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
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power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Happy thanksgiving
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Most fashion shows these days…
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what