I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.