Meow
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Oh. My. God.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation