A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.