Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?