lmao
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.