I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while