why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”