[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
People buying plungers never look happy.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?