I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.