[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.