Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.