[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You Might Also Like
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*