I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
You Might Also Like
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
finally
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The Others (2001)
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.