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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”