[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.