Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”